Oh beloveds, it is with grateful heart that I share this. I have gone through a season of deep healing and revelation. Today, the trendy word for not seeing our own weaknesses and tendencies or even past failures or trauma is referred to having “blind spots” – one of these blindspots I just could not see, until recently, was how the root of rejection formed in my life and got me off the path I was created to walk. A blindspot might be a decision, an evil someone did to someone, or other thing that caused a derailment of what God made you to do and be.
The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy – that is the source of evil. God comes to give life and give it abundantly. Know who creates what and don’t blame God. We live in a fallen world, but God is our hope and great reward! Now, let’s get into it…
I looked back to a point in time when something shifted in me and slowly grew into a stronghold that affected my identity and every decision I made.
Instead of being bold and courageous, I began with the second-guessing, people pleasing, perfectionism, self-hatred, and self-blame. Living from this place caused me to interpret everything from an altered and untrue frame of reference.
This caused a limited vision of what God desired to do in my life and who I was in Him. He had desired to show me this long ago, but I kept walls around my heart so I didn’t feel anymore pain. Recently, after a long season of acute refinement, He brought me to that same place where I heard the still small voice again prompting and giving the choice to see the full revelation of when this root was planted, what it formed in me, and how it affected my life. I heard him say, “Do you want to see it all?”
I knew it would be hard to see the truth of the cause and bittersweet to finally understood what I had missed. He tenderly and graciously let me remember where the deep root of rejection was planted. He also showed me how this root took over my personality and permeated even my frame. My whole identity was based on a lie I had believed (it’s different for all of us). The result was a false belief that played over and over in my inner self: I wasn’t good enough, and if I tried harder, I could become worthy of love and acceptance. BUT, even if I gave my all, I was never good enough.
This lie was evidenced in my relationships, career, and spiritual life. You’ve heard the saying, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” I was deep into the woods with this one and didn’t even know I was in the woods. I spent much time trying to figure out what happened to me, and I’d look at the symptoms and try to fix those. I was just not ready to open fully to God to see the root cause. This experience will be different for everyone, so there is no need to share the details here from my life. However, if the Lord is putting His finger on something you don’t want to look at and let Him lay bare, that’s probably it… Looking back, He had given me an invitation many times but I didn’t want to even open that closed book, I’m so glad I said yes this time.
Of course, the enemy takes and twists and uses any root to blind us to what God created us for and then, to add injury to insult, weaponizes the root against us. The fruits of the root can grow into so many things including self-hatred, shame, regret, self-doubt, anxiety, dissatisfaction, bitterness, anger, rage, coveting other’s lives, and even a merciless drive to do more to be enough (these can be just a few symptoms of the root problem). The reality is this spiral never ends when we continue to wrestle with it in our own strength and limited understanding.
Alas, there is always Hope in Him – we must be willing to be open and laid bare before the Holy Spirit by giving Him time and stillness and our full attention to expose the hidden places within ourselves. In Psalms, David says, “You have searched and known me. You know when I sit and when I rise. You know my thoughts from afar. You know the inner workings of my being.”
Beloved, when the root is exposed there is such freedom! When He showed me what was lost in my own life, I wept bitterly, yet it was a cleansing weeping before the Lord. It was freeing – for the unrelenting drive to TRY HARDER was exposed for what it was – a task master that never fully let me rest. Many were injured in the wake of my choices influenced from the rooted wound that I kept hidden – even from myself. To these dear ones I repent.
The Lord leads us into such a revelation at various times, for He knows what we can bare. In my journey, the Lord shared the subject of a sentence with me, when I said to Him in a moment of deep beseeching, “Lord, I wish these bad things had never happened to me, that I could have lived life without them. My life would be very different.”
His response: “I would that these things had not happened either.”
This brought floodgates of tears that brought such comfort. Then about six months later, He finished the sentence by sharing the predicate when I was ready to receive it:
“I’m making it as though they never did.”
For the last several months the Lord has been showing me what that means. He restored hope, he showed me what He meant my life to be (which was soo good and truly the desires of my heart). I had always wondered why I didn’t feel like I fit in my own life. The root that caused the derailment can make us feel discontent until the cause is exposed and we open our whole hearts to God to let Him reveal where we are, where He wanted us to walk, and the new path He can forge filled with goodness and mercy all the days of our life. This forged path can be so sweet, for We know He sees us.
Do know, this was hard to see, but when facing the results of our choices in His presence there is regret but the sting of hopelessness is turned into hope. Remember GOD gives Beauty for Ashes! He can do exceedingly above all that we ask or think. It brought great comfort knowing His will was never for things to be so hard. My choices and negative influences derailed this beautiful story, yet He is the great Restorer! He can make ALL THINGS NEW!
The goodness of God knows no bounds. He opened my eyes to see the blessings He had given me in my life now (many I had taken for granted), the strength He had worked into me over the years in the rocky way, the character He formed in me in the caves of wrestling, and the skills and giftings He brought forth from a hard place.
He gave me a new way of walking and viewing life and the new way He made. He showed what I can still bring forth in this new way and put an excitement for waking up each day and spending my effort as unto Him. He showed me the creative ideas and wisdom from Heaven He poured into ME and how to pour these onto others. The overwhelming fellowship with Him in just stopping to worship through out the day and feeling His nearness is the reward.
What my life will be moving forward is fully in God’s hands. I am very careful now to NOT do what man says, but what God says. I have learned that when Fruits of the Spirit are not evidenced in our life, we must stop and have the Lord search our hearts and remove any wicked way within. Are we making what seems a simple or even life choice out of pride, arrogance, lust, impatience, or other “non-God” inspired motivation, STOP, seek God, and follow Him with everything that is in you!
Whether you have 100 years or 100 minutes left to live on this Earth, turn and seek His face and lay bare your heart before Him. Be not afraid of what He will reveal, for He is good, gentle, kind, and invites all who are weary to come to Him and find rest for your soul. Jesus is our great reward.
Song: God I’m Just Grateful For You
Psalm 139:1-24
When we receive new revelation from the Lord and read His word, even scriptures we’ve ready a thousand times become richer and deeper.
“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand – when I awake, I am still with you.
If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Song: God I’m Just Grateful For You