Beloveds, I share a life lesson through a story of rejection and loss, but the ending is one filled with hope and eternal gratitude to God.
For those who are in a season in their lives where they seek the Lord to guide them on their life’s journey and choose their path, beloved, vocation, and every other choice to be all God’s in this life – I beseech you to trust Him to do it. He is faithful. Run not ahead of your Heavenly Father and stray off the path of choice. Let Him guide and lead you even if it seems past time for the promise to be fulfilled. The Lord desires to give good things in your life. He does not desire things to be difficult and heavy. His burden is easy and light.
For those who have already made choices, knowingly or unknowingly, and find themselves in a place of dissatisfaction and bewilderment of how things went so wrong – take heart, there is hope. The Lord, who is goodness itself and full of tender mercies, He is well able to restore the years the locust have eaten, the young locust and locust swarm. Ask Him to give you new desires of your heart and what He would have you be.
This is a love story, a lifelong seeking after the Lord for the man He created me to marry and create a family with. It is fraught with intrigue, peril, heartbreak, but the ending is very good. It was so unexpected and I had no idea that the roots of rejection and heartache went so far back, but the Lord took those wounds and in an instant revealed them and soothed them.
I will share what He has revealed to me recently, and how this changed everything – in hopes that it will make your won hearts swell with hope, gratitude, and faith. Every one of our stories is different, so hopefully you can glean the parts about God’s faithfulness. Let’s start from where the Lord revealed it…
A Different Path
My sole desire, my whole life, has been to be a Godly wife/helpmate, mother, and keeper of the home. I saw my own mother do this well and I wanted this life. I was willing to go to the ends of the earth and be a missionary, but that was not His calling for me. I was willing to work hard and be successful in a carer with high titles of mankind, but that was not His will nor the desire of my heart. In seeking these things I found only emptiness and a chasing after the wind to find identity in what I achieved instead of who I was in Christ.
None of these achievements or lifestyles is inherently wrong, but they are not a fit when the Lord calls one for something else. We may walk these paths and expect much effort and sacrifice in making achievements and do it all as unto the Lord, and He appreciates the offerings, but I discovered that, for me, these paths ended in restlessness, rejection, and bitterness. It made my heart confused and I didn’t understand that after so much effort – even to the enth degree of my strength – I still felt out of place.
Over the last several months, the Lord has been gently leading me, bidding me to follow Him and let go of these heavy burdens. I thought I had done that, but not to the level of letting go of control of my own life and trusting Him completely that He was about to reveal. I believe we let go in layers as we discover more about our remarkable and Almighty Savior. Each of us goes from strength to strength as we learn more about Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Father. When we think we have it all figured out, we realize we haven’t even begun to tap the surface of the depths of the knowledge of God.
In this season of letting go, I resigned from a job I had pursued and obtained but at the pinnacle saw the emptiness of it, for the Lord was teaching me that this was not His call for me. He was teaching me to answer the call with the days I have before me and live them to the hilt without fear, dread, or doubt. In this place, he began to uncover the root of all kinds of weaknesses and wounds – rejection, fear, doubting the goodness of God, depression, anxiety, and all that messy stuff that drags us down.
What was the cause of my unsettled heart? This question I never really had words for, as I did not even consider admitting that I doubted the goodness of God, even when I sang songs about His goodness. I was believing He was good and knew it, but something deep inside , in the quiet place before Him, I had a broken heart that did not mend and did not want to recognize. It came upon me over years of heartbreak. However, it affected everything in the present. I was no longer outgoing, I began to retreat from social engagements, for after years of trying to act like everything was okay, I could not put words to this restlessness and emptiness within. I tried to fill it with everything from fleshly indulgences, escapism, overworking, and even being super spiritual.
My unspoken “why” finally surfaced as I walked in a morning meadow and quieted my heart before the Lord. I’m sure the Lord had prepared me to receive the answer for a long time, but I just became aware of the real question: Why, Oh Lord, did you let me get hurt? You desire to give good gifts to us and I sought you to choose my mate, so why the devastating heartbreaks and rejections and hard place in my career? Why has everything seemed so hard? Since I offered all of this to Thee, why did it take so long for you to answer my prayers with a Godly husband and let me toil through all those single years rough with dangers, temptations, heartbreak? The answer that came surprised me, for He revealed what had long been buried.
The First Distraction
In high school, I sought to let Him choose my mate, my life, my path. A missionary to Japan shared with our youth group, “Do not seek to date, just let God choose your mate and guide your life. He will give you the best life. Be so satisfied in Him instead of being boy/girl crazy, just focus on Jesus and let Him be your full joy.” This was brilliant, so I adopted this mentality and it was glorious! I had the best time in school with friends and clubs and activities. I went to dances to guy friends who always treated me respectfully. I never sought to date and it was amazing! I knew the Lord would give me the desires of my heart and it did not matter when or how. I now understand that he was willing to give me these things a lot earlier than I expected them, which would have negated a lot of angst, but through my own choices and misunderstanding I did not recognize His opportunities.
Delighting fully in God was the right path and I was on track, but someone interfered. A well meaning relative invited me to a church volley ball game to “introduce” me to a nice Christian guy. I should be dating someone by now, they reasoned. I was happy in my relationship with God and did not want to start down a path of drama and what the world calls, “dating” – I wanted to walk a different path with God. However, overtime I was worn down and I began to have a crush on him.
This new feeling of pursuing something I thought I wanted began to overwhelm me. I became obsessed with what I thought was love. I went down a derailed path that took me 4 years to recover from. Although it was totally innocent and the relationship was Godly in the eyes of the Lord, it was not the one the Lord had chosen for me. I was distracted. I never felt at ease, never could be myself, and began to try harder to obtain perfection which started a whole other mess of emotions and unhealthy behaviors. I felt like I had to be good enough and took on more than I should have: a part time job after school, going to college at night, going to high school during the day, leading clubs and activities, being a youth leader at church – it was too much for anyone! The relationship ended for I was emotionally coming undone. No matter how hard I tried I could not be “enough” – this was a root of rejection that was planted and grew in me for decades.
I asked the Lord, Why did you let me get hurt? His answer in the meadow recently, “I never wanted you in this relationship.” Thinking back, I remember the Lord showing me in various ways, gave me no peace, but I wanted what I thought I wanted. When I finally got honest with myself, I never remember sincerely seeking the Lord on it, for I already knew the answer. When I received this word from the Lord years later, it freed me up from all the self-doubt and rejection I experienced over the years. I share this for those who are in this season of life or find themselves in a dating relationship that is not the Lord’s will (we know it when it’s not His will) – let God be your all and do not get distracted from His call on your life.
The Snow Storm
In the middle of this relationship, I took a trip with my parents during my first spring break in college to see some long time family friends. They had a son who was my age, enjoyed all the same things I did, came from the same background, and we got along well. An unprecedented snow storm hit and was coming across the states blocking us in their house with no way to return home. It was going to turn a one day visit into a 3-5 day unexpected survival stay. I was so afraid to stay, for I wanted to be faithful in the relationship I chose. I made a vow that the first guy I kissed would be the guy I married, and didn’t want to break that. That was something I heard from a dear saint who married their husband over 50 years ago and that was their love story. I loved this, for I was really into the manners and graces of 1800 and early 1900s, so I made that my personal vow and I didn’t want to fail, even though I was already not happy. I reasoned, I’ve already kissed him so I might as well spend the rest of my life with him.
But now, the idea of spending days locked away in a snow storm with this intriguing fellow, which could have been the most romantic yet innocent thing on the planet made me shutter. Playing in the snow, exploring a winter wonderland (for this area rarely saw snow), sitting by a fireplace, playing board games…all these things I feared would be exactly what I wanted. I loved the most that our parents were all there, so it would have been totally PG, but how striking a story could come from such a precious fellowship.
I refused to let myself stay and even explore this experience, so I threw a teenager temper tantrum and demanded we leave. I was torn in my heart, I wanted to stay and enjoy what the Lord put in front of us all, but I was so afraid I would form a connection with this one that I did not plan on or even expect. What if we both actually clicked and liked each other? This is where the hard times began, when we left. We drove 12 hours through this snow storm and were stranded on the side of the road for days. We found shelter in a church with other travelers. But I always felt like I missed a divinely orchestrated moment to spend time and get to know one the Lord had put in my path.
More Distractions
After returning home and the relationship ultimately ended. Bless his heart, I didn’t have the strength to end it, but he did. I didn’t date throughout college for I felt utterly rejected and like a failure. Even during these times this family friend came back into my life at least 3 other times through family visits and vacations. I always felt like I wouldn’t be good enough for him, for my heart had been wounded from the other relationship I should never have been in. Such roots and wounds can carry on to other decisions and what we think we are giving up as unto the Lord is really just us pushing the Lord’s plan away from our lives.
After college I got into a really cool job that I didn’t want. I just wanted to be married and have children and be an amazing homemaker. This type of opportunity was delayed in my life, so I began to feel like I needed to pursue a career and prove myself to be worthy of anyone. You can see here how I forgot to let God be my all and delight solely in Him and not date, but I tried to find answers in dating to find Mr. Right and working in a job to be some sort of important leader. I met a lot of nice gentlemen, but none were for me. I worked a lot of late hours and formed a lot of great professional connections, but my ambition rose as I found my worth in titles instead of my position as child of God. This was an empty pursuit. As Solomon proclaimed, “All is vanity and a chasing after the wind.”
Another Opportunity
During this time, the family friend who had made entrances into my life since before we were out of high school, called and wanted to travel across a few states to see me. By this time, I was very excited to see him and meet in person as young professionals (that means we were in our mid-late 20s). I still felt like I wasn’t good enough, so the day before his visit, I got into a tanning bed with “new bulbs” and laid there 20 min to get a nice tan so I could look, hopefully, prettier. Well, I had to cancel the visit for I was burned. I recovered quickly, but lost this opportunity to get to know him better. He had other obligations that took him away again. This was a very up and down time emotionally and spiritually, for I was still dealing with rejection that took root years earlier. Every decision I made, every challenge I faced was through a frame of reference that was severally distorted. That relentless question of, “What did I do wrong in that first relationship? Why wasn’t I enough?” still gnawed at me, but it was so deep I couldn’t voice or conceptualize the words. I started over exercising and my relationship with food took on a skewed position as well, for I was seeking to be perfect, but I couldn’t define what that was…I could just never attain it.
Beloveds, I share this only as an example in case you are in such a viscous cycle. We don’t have to live in that. We can let it all go, turn to God, and know that He has made us enough. We can improve as He directs us, but it does not have to be a feverish pursuit. Oh, that we could learn early and continue letting Him orchestrate our life and choices.
A New Adventure
In time the Lord was teaching me about prayer and intercession for others. One day while visiting my parents, I heard Him say, “I’m sending you to Auburn to intercede for the teachers and students on campus. I’m sending you to graduate school, but your main focus will be for prayer over that place.” I ran to my mom and told her and she said, “baby, we can’t afford that.” But God always funds and provides for the adventures He calls us to. I gave a month notice in my current job and started making arrangements to move to Auburn. That was a huge leap of faith. I remember sitting on the front porch of my home and saying, “Lord you have to take care of me.” And He did.
He made a way for me by providing open doors on every level starting with a great roommate and house across from campus. He also made a way for me to go to school under a teaching fellowship which funded my tuition and even paid me to attend graduate school. The Lord knew I had always wanted to go to Auburn. I didn’t get to do it for undergraduate, but in His goodness He let me experience it through graduate school. He brought me there for His purpose and it was a very meaningful time to continue to learn and trust in walking with Him. It was a long walk.
During this time, I again reconnected with the family friend. We began to write letters to one another and talk on the phone. I look back on those letters so fondly. We both needed each other and wrote to each other faithfully due to the various challenges we were facing, while I was going through grad school and he was across the world doing important work. I think I remember trying to fix him up with other girls I knew, for I couldn’t imagine he would have been interested in me. I just wanted him to find the best girl in the world and be happy.
The Lord kept me single during my time at Auburn, but many well meaning colleagues and friends did not understand why I was not dating like the world. Every time I would embark on a new dating relationship, the Lord would give me a check in spirit not to do it, but if I continued in my willfulness and human understanding it would lead to devastation. Each time I would turn back to a life of singleness and delighting in the Lord and the peace of blessed consolation of His presence would return.
I was often misunderstood as a singleton, but that’s okay. Beloveds, it’s not that you are not worthy or beautiful or enough, or handsome enough, sometimes the Lord keeps some separate from relationships (dating, marriage) to learn from Him and enjoy His presence without distraction for a season. I had finally come back to the lifestyle I learned in high school – delight in the Lord and let Him give you the desire of your heart. I see this clearly now, but then I struggled with feeling worthy for I had not yet broken out of that rejection mentality, for I couldn’t even see that it was influencing me…I was trying really hard at everything to “matter”.
Rejections Final Work
After several years in this place, the family friend wanted to come visit. I was elated. He came to campus for a football game, we tailgated with the department I worked in (I had graduated at that time), and we went to Toomer’s Corner (when they still had the oak trees) and watched them roll it (Auburn won that day)! It was so nice to finally see him and talk with him in person as more seasoned professionals (that means we were in our early 30s).
We hung out for the weekend and then he left on Sunday. It was such a pure and honorable time, but I felt so restless and that old rejection mindset came up. I didn’t pray, seek the Lord, or patiently wait and see how things might develop. I instead took matters into my own hands. I was going to “wish him well” in his life before he could reject me. I imagined that he would reject me, so I wanted to beat him to it. I emailed him something to that effect and he simply responded with,”okay.” I was heartbroken in writing this last letter, for I had finally pushed away one that I always thought was amazing, but I reasoned I could never be good enough for (not pretty enough, not thin enough, not accomplished enough, the list was endless). I always wanted him to know that it wasn’t him, he was the perfect gentleman and lovely, it was deep roots of self-rejection within me that inspired this response.
How many precious ones struggle with such inaccuracies through false beliefs instead of living out of the truth of what God has made you and provided for you to experience? How many miss such amazing opportunities.
Where does this mindset come from? In my own experience, I’ve discovered that it can be from un-dealt with rejection, believing lies the enemy plants in our minds that we are not good enough or no one could ever love us if they really knew us, not trusting God, impatience to see how something might progress, or even an unwillingness to stand in a situation to see what the Lord might teach us – and instead we want to control and shut down our hearts so they are not further hurt. Many struggle with it and miss God’s amazing opportunities because they truly believe they are not good enough, are not ready yet, or are lacking in some way.
The Goodness of God
About a year and a half after this tragic choice, we both met others and married. I’m so grateful the Lord has blessed all of us with good lives and great spouses. He took my life and brought forth very good things, which is a confirmation of His goodness. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28).
This brings us back to the early morning walk in the meadow when the Lord revealed the root of rejection, fear, and not trusting Him that had been buried deep within my frame and even become part of my personality. I was able to at last put words to these deep inner turmoil and asked the Lord, “Why has it been so hard these years? Why did you let me get hurt? Why am I still not satisfied in my career?” I fully believe the Lord knew I was at last ready to hear the answer. There was a Holy pause, and in an instant He showed me what my life would have been like had I not gone my own way from as long ago as high school. He showed me how roots of rejection from going my own way and leaning on my own understanding had hindered my walk. Had I trusted Him completely with every choice, for real. Had I not entered into or stayed in relationships that I was compelled to never start or held on too long when He said let go. Had I not believed the lies that I wasn’t good enough. How different my path would have been. In this moment of revelation I understood that I would not have had to walk in such hard ways, had I kept to His path for me. He said, “It was not My Will for things to be difficult for you.” It was not His will for me to be hurt, rejected, or striving in a career to feel valuable and worthy, but that He desired to give me the desires of my heart from the beginning. Beloved, I know my explanation pales in comparison with the experience and many years I left out for brevity – but it all came to a culmination in this one moment.
I wept bitterly in this revelation, but it was not a hopeless grief that turned into prolonged sadness, it was a revelation of His plans for me from the foundations of the earth. I was in awe that the Lord had even thought of me and was so grateful for the story of my life that He wrote. I was captivated by His details, how this aligned with the desires of my heart He put in me, and his tender compassion in how he showed me and then immediately applied His healing balm to my heart. In that moment, all the roots of rejection and hard times were removed from deep within my frame. My heart had been heavy and in unspoken turmoil, but was now light and free.
My question of Why so hard? was answered – it was never His will for me to go through that. I made choices that derailed/delayed His plans. In an instant, decades of silent doubts, disappointments, and regrets disappeared, for I at last understood how Good He is. I began to sing the last verses of Psalms 23: “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.”
Plans to Prosper You and Not to Harm You
I am in even more awe of how He orchestrates a new way that are meet and fit to how He fearfully and wonderfully made each us, even if we get derailed. Oh, the goodness of God. Oh, how He works out the details for those who love Him. He never leaves or forsakes us. I can finally live my life and all the rest of my days fully unto Him without any regret. I share this so that any who are struggling can be set free. Even now, He can redeem the years the locust has eaten, the young locust, and locust swarm.
He renewed my heart to desire to live and move and have my being in Him in new ways with the lovely husband He provided. I can live each day to the hilt without fear. What could the Lord do with a heart fully committed to Him – no matter your age. Experience it and see. Taste and see that the Lord is Good.
The Lord is leading my husband and I into a new pathway that He has been orchestrating for some time, and has put into my heart something new to invest my time in – which I’m so excited about. He is working out the details even now. The Lord is so detailed, he is even using everything I’ve learned from work over these hard years and providing ways to apply these giftings and skills in new lighter ways. What I do now will not define my identify, it is simply what I invest my time into as Unto Him as an act of worship. How light this new perspective. Being able to offer my effort and gifting on God’s design for us, while living in a marriage and being free of rejection and insecurities and fully be happy is a gift everyday. I shall explore this new way of living with a renewed mind and heart.
Take heart beloved, The Lord can restore anyone from anything. He is our Redeemer. He is Our Savior. He is the Banner over us. Let Him be your all even where you find yourself, for He delights to give good gifts. We all follow Him at a different pace, so if he revelation of what has held you back comes sooner or later – it’s okay, the Lord is merciful and will restore you where you are and bring you where you can’t imagine.
Let us in every season of life, offer our bodies, minds, time to Him to live and move and have our being in Him. How diligent we must be to be led by Him and walk in His peace at all times to ensure our steps are not derailed and His plans not delayed. We will be surprised at the outcome, we can be confident of His Goodness.
Worship: Your Goodness is Running After Me